So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
