I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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