it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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