then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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