I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
