we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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