I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
