I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
