the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
