i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
