i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
