Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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