Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
