Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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