cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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