The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
