I've blown a few things in my day
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
