I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
