She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm bleeding and have questions
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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