it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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