I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
