I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm getting married
To pizza
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
