I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
