a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
