i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
