I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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