so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
