Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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