you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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