weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
