I will die if light touches me.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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