Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
