Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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