All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
