i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
