Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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