May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
