I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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