I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
