he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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