one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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