Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
