____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think my moral compass just broke
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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