Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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