I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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