In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
two words: eviction party
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Randomize
