Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
