I'm gonna have a badass scar
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
