I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
