Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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