I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
